Putting it all into perspective

“Your flesh is not a reflection of your soul. So when you look in the mirror, remember that your light outshines your flaws.”
― D. Antoinette Foy

 

In 2012, I started a blog called “The Way Back to Me,” and it talked a lot about my life and my drive to lose weight and regain my health. Then, in 2013, I decided to actually buy the domain name for “Call Me Tabs” and start a new blog. For awhile, it was all about life in general, and later it became more about the discrimination of a fat woman in society, especially when a fat woman is going through the process of planning a wedding.

Once 2014 hit, I did not blog for a long time. I felt like I didn’t have much to say, and I was depressed a lot of the time. I started to realize that maybe, just maybe, my lack of energy, my aches and pains and stomach issues did have something to do with my weight. Then, in April, I landed myself in the hospital with bronchitis, the same day my sister landed in the hospital with elevated liver function. After three days of steroids and breathing treatments, my doctor told me that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to see life after 50, or possibly even 40. I still tried to stay true to my “health at any size” beliefs and had no idea how much life was going to change in just a short 45 days.

A month and a half after that hospital visit, my sister passed away. Her body was having issues with food digestion, and it had caused her to lose a lot of weight. I realized, as I watched her body shut down and then pass, that health at any size is a ridiculous notion. Obviously, at less than 90 lbs, it is impossible for an adult to be healthy. Obviously, at almost 400 lbs, it is impossible for an adult to be healthy. That is just a fact. If you are 400 lbs, and you start eating healthy and exercising, your body is going to lose weight. So, saying health at any size is not true — because if you are healthy, you would not be that size — your body will begin to shrink or grow, depending on your side of the scale.

Losing my sister has been an eye opener to me, as I’ve said in previous blogs. When you are faced with your own mortality after losing a sibling so young, you really start to put your life into perspective. What is important to me? What do I cherish in my life? What do I want to do in my life?

The answers were easy: My health is important to me. I cherish my family, and I want to stay with them as long as possible. And, I want to enjoy my life with energy and zest. I want to thrive, instead of just surviving, no matter where I am planted in this world. So, for the last thirty days, I have been logging into MyFitnessPal and keeping an accurate record of my food — my calories, protein, carbs and fats — every day. I’m also keeping track of my exercise and weight loss. When I initially weighed myself, I was already two weeks into the process, and I weighed 387 lbs. Last week, I weighed 373, and I’m not sure what I weigh right now. But, my mobility has improved exponentially already. I do not get winded just walking in the grocery store. I actually have the energy to get up, clean my house and cook for my kids now. My feet don’t swell up every day now, and I just feel better.

So, from now on — this is me. I am happy with myself, and I love my body. I love my body enough to keep it healthy and take off the weight that is holding it back. I’m actually starting to love myself — and I never thought that would happen.

Week 5:

The woman who ate fast food too much

Every day, people go through drive thrus or sit down to eat at fast food and other restaurants all over the country. That is their decision, but their body is craving the fatty, greasy, cheesy food-like products. These products do not provide any real nourishment to our bodies, but they sure expand the waistline.

Now, can I fault those people? Of course not — I was one of them until July 1, 2014. I would swing through a drive thru to get a coffee in the morning, and then maybe head through a drive thru with the kids for dinner. Sometimes, I would sit at a cafe all day, eating a sandwich and soup while I worked on my articles for my freelance job.

I was addicted to the sugars, the fats and all the other “good things” that they put into the foods you get at all of these restaurants, just like everyone else. And like I said in an earlier post, I could eat upwards of 2200 calories of that stuff in one sitting! Not to mention, my bank account was meager because of all of this activity. I searched my bank records from June 1, 2014 to July 1, 2014 and found out that I had spent $818 in one month on going out to eat. That’s insane! I could have completely remodeled my entire living room for that much money.

So I decided on July 1 it was time to change the game. I decided to go an entire month without eating at any restaurant. This meant that I would forced to prepare all of my own meals — something I hadn’t done in a long time. This also allowed me to start working better foods into my diet, some of which you’ve seen in previous articles. Along with this, I also stopped drinking coffee, soda and other sugary drinks.

These changes, paired with regular daily exercise, have led to a weight loss of 14 pounds off of my frame in the first two weeks. What was once 387 is now 373, and I don’t plan on stopping now!

 

 

When you lose someone…

“Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.”
― Mitch Albom, For One More Day

 

When you watch your little sister die, your world stops, especially when you’ve been pissing your life and health away for so long.

My sister passed away a month ago. She was 28 years old. She left behind two children, ages 6 and 9, and a husband who loved her very much. It still doesn’t seem real to me. 15 days in the hospital, and then she was gone. I was the last one to sit with her at the hospital. I was the last one to leave her graveside. I can’t believe she is really gone. My heart breaks over and over again every day when I wake up and realize all over again that she is gone.

Her death has really make me reassess my entire thought process on health, my weight, and my life. She died way too young, and yet I’m sitting here stuffing McDonald’s into my mouth, just inviting a heart attack or stroke into my 350+ pound body. How selfish can I be?

However, my sister is not the only person I lost in this last month. My marriage is also over. I left my husband of not even a year, because I realized that it was not healthy for me to stay in that relationship, and life is too short. That’s what I’ve really learned — life is too short, even if it is the longest thing we will ever do. I’ve been faced with my own mortality in the face of losing someone so close to me, and my life is too precious to waste it on someone who does nothing but make me feel terrible about myself.

So, what do I do now? Well, I’ll probably keep doing what I’ve been doing for the last week — I’ll just keep swimming, as Dory says. I swim every day for one hour. I just put my head down and paddle. Every stroke takes me further away from my ex-husband’s negativity and closer to the goal I promised my sister I would reach — a healthy weight and life.

And what happened over the last week? I’ve started to feel better. I have more energy. I’m not as hungry as I once was, and I have rediscovered my love of fresh food. My favorite meal so far? A seared tuna steak and a salad with fresh fruit, romaine lettuce and just a touch of poppyseed dressing. I am also a big fan of avocado, which I didn’t even realize I liked until recently. It is getting easier to get up and go to the Y every day, even if my muscles are a little sore. While I have not yet seen any difference in my appearance, I just feel better overall, so I know that something is working.

In the last month, I’ve lost someone who I loved, and someone who didn’t love me. Like I said, it has helped me to realize exactly what I need to do with the rest of my life, and I wish my sister was still here to see the change.

My sister is on the left, and my daughter is on the right.

 

 

 

 

An open letter to all the people in my life — no matter what your size

To all those who love me, hate me or know that I exist in any way,

I am not…

Chubby. Plump. Juicy. Thick. Large. Zaftig. Plus-Size. Big Beautiful Woman. Few Extra Pounds. Ample. Voluptuous. Big-Boned. Chunky. Cuddly. Curvy. Fluffy. Full-bodied. Buxom. Full-figured. Heavy. Horizontally-Challenged. Lard Ass. Husky. Portly. Rotund. Rubenesque. Stocky. Overweight. Obese. Big. I’m not any of the negative slurs you can think up.

The word you are searching so hard to say is “fat.”  I am F-A-T. For better or worse, no matter how healthy or unhealthy I am, I will always be fat.

It is not a bad word. It does not hurt my feelings. Do you know what does hurt my feelings? When you say that I’m not fat. It makes me wonder if you are blind or just a really bad liar. Want to know something else annoys me? When you complain about how “fat” you feel at a certain day or time. Guess what? Fat is a state of being. I am fat. It is not an emotion or a feeling. It just is.

The stereotypes for fat women astound me. I’m mean and bitchy, but I’m also emotionally starved and needy. I’m angry and desperate. I hate my body. I can’t look in the mirror. Strangely enough, none of that is really true. I struggle as much as any woman with my looks — no matter how fat or thin a woman is, she has a love/hate relationship with her body.

Another thing that all women have? Emotions. So, yes — I can be bitchy. I can be mean. I can be emotionally starved or exhausted. I can be needy. I can be angry. I’ve never been desperate, but more on that later. I am a person — not an epidemic, not a problem. People feel things. Believe me, I have an ENTIRE range of emotions, and none of them have to do with being fat — unless someone throws up an ignorant stereotype about me. Then…I get angry.

The next paragraph I will direct to the men I’ve spent time with in my life, and any out there in the blogosphere that may not understand this about the fatties in their lives. Believe it or not, I am not, nor have I ever been sex starved. Do not approach a fat woman in a bar because you believe that she will be desperate enough to go to bed with you. First of all, why do you hold yourself in such low regard? Secondly, I’d bet that the woman has more options to whet her sexual appetite than you will ever know.

I have never spent a night without the company of a male, if I wanted that company. Then, in September 2012, I met a man who fell in love with me because of my mind, body and soul. He loves my body. And no, he doesn’t have a fetish. He isn’t a “chubby chaser.” I hate when men see me as either not good enough to sleep with because I’m fat, or they see me as good enough to sleep with because I’m fat. Granted, I’m off the market now. But, guess what, that fat woman at the bar doesn’t want you to want her because you want to grab her rolls, you get off on her belly size or because you want to feed her and make her bigger. Once again — fat women are people. We are not a problem, a fetish or an epidemic.

Finally, let’s talk about those who want to talk to me about my health, or about how I need to go on a diet because I’m a large woman who is going to die soon if I don’t lose some weight. I will say this — there is nothing wrong with living healthy, and I do eat too much fast food and don’t exercise enough. I do probably drink way too much sweet tea.

That being said, with the exception of my knee pain (from an injury when I was 18 and a “normal weight”), I am one of the healthiest person in my family…and I have three sisters who vary in body types and ages. I’m not going to pretend that I’m completely healthy. Like I said, I should walk more. I want to increase my mobility. I want to be able to find clothing a little easier. So, if you want to go on a walk with me, let’s go. If you want to join a yoga class with me, I’m in.

However, if you know me, and you bring up something like weight loss surgery or some other drastic process to lose weight, we may have a problem. Why in the world would I put my body through such a drastic process when it is only about 50% effective? No thank you. You could over me a free gastric bypass, and I would turn it down every time.

I am a fat woman. I am always going to be a fat woman. If I lose 200 pounds, I will still be a fat woman. That is my goal. I would like to lose 200 pounds, and I’m starting to work on it. But guess what, I’m also working on something else. I’m working on a better me. A better person who realizes that being fat is not the same as being healthy, that being fat is not a negative thing and that being fat is not the end of my life.

Now, I just have to make everyone else realize that.

With Love,

Tabitha