Deconstructing a Relationship

Two people meet.

Two people meet and like each other.

Two people meet, like each other, and begin dating.

Two people meet, like each other, begin dating, and get engaged.

Two people meet, like each other, begin dating, get engaged, and get married.

Then…

One person becomes unsatisfied.

One person becomes unsatisfied and wants control.

One person becomes unsatisfied, wants control, and starts to get angry.

One person becomes unsatisfied, wants control, starts to get angry, and verbally abuses her.

One person becomes unsatisfied, wants control, starts to get angry, verbally abuses her, and wrecks the house.

So…

One person cries.

One person cries and wonders what she did wrong.

One person cries, wonders what she did wrong, and tries to fix it.

One person cries, wonders what she did wrong, tries to fix it, and gets hurt again.

One person cries, wonders what she did wrong, tries to fix it, gets hurt again, and realizes he is the problem…not her.

And finally…

One person throws him out.

One person throws him out and tries to move on.

One person throws him out, tries to move on, and gets drawn back in.

One person throws him out, tries to move on, gets drawn back in, and gets hurt again.

One person throws him out, tries to move on, gets drawn back in, gets hurt again, and files for divorce.

And now…

One person is happy again.

One person is happy again and finding her voice.

One person is happy again, finding her voice, and thinking about the future.

One person is happy again, finding her voice, thinking about the future, and looking forward to something new.

One person is happy again, finding her voice, thinking of the future, looking forward to something new, and writing this poem.

 

One person….can breathe. She is free.

  

 

Striving for a Life of Discontent

I am a writer. I think you all probably know that by now. However, did you know that I am a write that feeds off of negative emotion, drama, and discontent? When things are quiet, I have a hard time writing (at least, writing creatively). You will see big swaths of time in the past where I haven’t written a blog. Why? Because I am numb and content with being numb. Everything is going okay in my life (I have shelter, a job, healthy kids, etc), I’m not fighting a cause, and there’s no drama. So, what in the hell am I going to write about?

That is probably my downfall. I can write fiction, but I haven’t done it in years. Everything has either been poetry or nonfiction. My poetry is fairly abstract, and my nonfiction is about me…and I’ve become pretty boring.

I mean, the last two years….whew!…there was some drama and discontent. I went through the whole getting married thing, and then I went through losing my sister, and I went through the breakup of my marriage — all in two years. But, now…as I near the one year anniversary of my sister’s death, things have settled down tremendously in my life.

And how do I know they have settled down tremendously? Because I’m thinking of a way to shake things up again. I want to move to a different state. I want to become a nomad. I want to pull my kids out of traditional schooling and travel the country living in my car. I want to put my hand in the fire — something to make things different and interesting. I want to do something that causes me to feel something again. Anything.

Ever since my sister passed away, I feel like all of the emotion has been sucked out of life, and I have become this numb person. Not really happy, but not really sad. Just existing, and fairly content with that existence. This contentment with being numb is not something I want to continue. I want to begin to feel again, even if those feelings are negative. And somehow, some way, I will live my erratic life of discontent again. It will mean I am moving forward. It will mean I can write again. It will mean that I am no longer stuck.

It will just take time.

Moving On

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” ― C. JoyBell C.

It has been one hell of a year, hasn’t it? In a little more than a month, it will be a year since my sister passed away. Just beyond that is the one year anniversary of my failed marriage. So, what have I learned during this year of loss? I’ve learned when to let go and when to hold on.

I hold tightly to the memories of my beautiful sister, and I see her reflected through the faces and actions of her children. I loved her very much, and there will always be an emptiness in our family without her. But, being able to put down the mantle of grief, and move forward, trying to ensure this tragedy doesn’t happen to others…that is how I am making my way through the sadness of this loss every day. I will never forget her. I will never stop missing her. I will never stop loving her. I will always hold on to her memory.

Now, let’s move on to the things to let go, the things that I do not need to be sentimental about — namely, my soon-to-be ex-husband. This is someone who clung to me with every fiber of his being. Without me, he had no money, no home, etc. This is someone I had to completely cut loose to begin moving forward. But, since I made those cuts, I am happier. I feel lighter than ever before.

While letting go can be scary, because it means change, it also opens you up to an entire world of possibilities. Recently, I’ve even gotten back out into the dating world and met someone. It’s way too early to speculate what may happen between us, but finding evidence that nice, respectful men actually exist? Well, that is starting to restore my faith in humanity.  And just having the possibility of being able to find my person one day? That possibility is delicious and exciting.

It really gives me hope. 🙂